You are not broken. The systems are.
It can feel like you are all alone in the struggle, but support is available.
I’ve got two other blog posts that are kind of half done—very therapist-y stuff. But, man, I just can’t with all of this right now. So, I’m innovating the Blant—part blog post, mostly rant. Because therapists are people too and sometimes we have just had it and are about to lose it. That’s me—I’m therapists. If you’re not in the mood for a Blant, maybe scroll on to an older blog post with some nice soothing recordings and breathing exercises. If you’re here for the Blant, let’s fucking go.
TW: Mentions of trauma, assault, profanity—take care of yourself
You Are not broken
Mostly, I love being a therapist. It’s an immense privilege to be allowed in to very personal parts of people’s lives and get to be part of their journey towards healing, desire, empowerment, purpose, peace or whatever it is that we are doing together. It’s beautiful and inspiring. At times it can be heartbreaking and gut wrenching. I’ve been at this for over 20 years now, and I’ve heard and seen a lot. Not much shocks or surprises me these days, but each experience of suffering does still break my heart. As it should! May I never be so jaded as to take suffering and anguish in stride.
There’s a fair bit of common stuff that comes up for a lot of my clients—many dealing with very different things that bring them in to therapy in the first place. Towards the top of that list is a sense of feeling that they are somehow broken. Their brains or bodies just won’t do what they think they should do. They are completely overwhelmed and feel like they are barely keeping their heads above water with the demands of their lives but feel stupid about it because they know that “so many people have it worse”. They feel frustrated with themselves that they just can’t make it all work and wonder if they could finally catch their breath if they were just smarter/tougher/better/more motivated.
To each and every one of them, and to each and every one of you that might feel similarly, I say the same thing: “You are not broken”. You are suffering and struggling but you are not broken. You are human and this world is hard.
The systems are broken
Systems frequently don’t serve those in need, but instead those in power.
You are not broken, but the systems around us most definitely are. Allll kinds of systems. The ones that keep all this nonsense of life spinning around. All the way from capitalism to racist & sexist dress codes at schools—I’m putting them all on blast.
Our country has no infrastructure for caregiving of any kind—for kids, for grown folks in need of care, for the elderly. Nothing. Nada. Zilch. Every family has to figure out how to cobble together a patchwork of resources and efforts to try and make an often-impossible situation work and then wonders why it’s so hard and nobody is getting what they actually need.
Maybe your young kid keeps getting sick. Really sick. Thankfully you have a pediatrician and you keep going in but nothing is working and your kid is very frequently too sick to go to daycare and you can’t keep up with your job because you don’t have other childcare. The pediatrician thinks you need a specialist who can really help you figure out what to do for your sick child. You call the specialist that’s recommended and in your insurance network (the insurance that you get from your job that you are barely hanging on to because you are missing so much work because your kid is sick all the time). The specialist offers you the first available appointment—in seven months.
Or maybe you get the fourth call this month that the home health aide that you’ve finally found for your aging parent, hasn’t shown up again. That the new medicine they were prescribed is $400/month (that they very much do not have—and neither do you). That they have fallen in their home again and are agitated and combative about the need to be transported to the hospital to be checked out. Your parent is adamant about not wanting to move out of their home but it’s feeling increasingly impossible to keep them reasonably supported there and there aren’t enough hours in the week to be figuring this out on top of everything else.
Or maybe you are finally ready to get some support for yourself about the assault you experienced. You’ve been living with the fallout of it on your own because you know that to speak up, to report it, to try and hold the offender responsible would blow back on you with skepticism of your truthfulness and invade your privacy more and more as others try to discredit you. Coping with the event has been hard enough—you don’t feel like you can take on the trauma of the pushback. And even if you were believed, would the personal cost of this invasive process ever feel worth it when it seems like sentencing hardly ever reflects the trauma of the crimes?
We are sold an idea that you can get whatever you want in our society, if you just work hard enough for it. I call bullshit. I see people every damn week who have been working themselves to the bone to try and meet their very real needs, and still try to hold on to a shred of peace or joy for themselves, be beaten down by a set of broken systems that don’t give a damn.
Burn Down the lies
Ever have a “burn it all down” kind of week? Me too.
Capitalism tells us that our worth is based on our productivity. That people have what they have because they deserve it through their efforts, or lack thereof. That we will finally be happy when we are “successful” (the meaning of which is variable but always has some financial/material component front and center). What would it mean to question how our own choices can reinforce or challenge these lies?
Patriarchy and white supremacy filter all the way down from the big structures of power meant to keep the status quo of who is already in power, all the way down to school dress codes that mandate that “respectful” hair styles and clothing are normed on those of white men and traditional gender roles. That nice suit that looks so handsome on that “young gentleman” going to prom is deemed inappropriate for a young woman who would rather wear that instead of a dress. School administrators ACTUALLY CUTTING LOCS OFF Black students to uphold insane, racist dress codes. Girls’ dress code details being frequently justified by citing how their clothing choices can distract the boys around them.
Honestly, we could be here all day as we go through every system around us and how so very many of them are broken and harming so many more than they are helping (and that those that are being helped are usually the ones not in need of any actual help because they already are doing fine and have resources and power). If you start to wonder if you are broken, please, cast a critical eye on the systems around you and begin to wonder who benefits from you thinking that. Who makes money off that thought? The diet industry that rakes in BILLIONS? A society that values profits for those at the top when women take on the burden of unpaid caregiving labor?
“Remember Who the real enemy Is.”—From the hunger games by Suzanne Collins
For any of you that aren’t as into YA dystopian fiction as I am, here’s a little background on the quote above…. The Hunger Games are an annual fight to the death competition among selected youth of the Panem districts, as punishment for the districts’ rebellion against the Capitol years ago. The heroine of the book series is Katniss Everdeen, a teen who volunteers to take the place of her younger sister who was supposed to go to the games. Katniss is an amazing archer and will need to count on her skills with a bow and arrow if she hopes to survive. She’s given a mentor, Haymitch, a traumatized man who survived the games in his day. The quote above is spoken from Haymitch to Katniss. Even as he prepares her to try and fight for her own survival against the others in the games, who are trying to kill her and survive themselves, he reminds her that the real enemy isn’t another teenager in the arena, but all those in power, and the systems that keep this madness going—pitting teenagers against each other to fight for their lives. The real enemy is the one that has something to gain from all this.
When someone comes to sit on my couch, or meet with me online, seeking support and help, I will give it. I will help you figure out how to take something that feels overwhelming and break it down into manageable steps. I will work with you to access resources and supports. I will teach you skills for managing your nervous system and for helping you and your brain be on the same team. I will listen and encourage and strategize with you. I will cheer on your successes and, with humor, call you out on your stuff. I won’t pretend that if you just meditate long enough, you can make yourself ok with a system that is set up to make you struggle. But most of all, I will keep reminding you to point your arrows in the right direction so that you don’t shoot them at yourself. You are not the enemy. You are not broken. There are probably incredibly good reasons why you are having a hard time. I will do what I can to walk with you from where you are now to where you want to go, with compassion and kindness.
Rant paused (it’s never over).
A free consultation For Maryland Therapy
If you are looking for support or help, please reach out. I see folks for therapy in College Park, MD and offer online therapy in Maryland. You can explore more information about my services throughout the website. Feel free to contact me for a free 15-minute phone consultation.
