Therapy Myths & Truths from a Maryland Therapist: Progress
A Maryland therapist explores the myth that growth must go forward in a straight line.
In my work as a Maryland Therapist, sometimes an idea comes up in a number of sessions with different clients over a short span of time. When that happens, it seems like perhaps it’s a helpful topic or idea to share more widely.
Recently, several clients have been talking about the process of change in therapy and having to question their old expectations or assumptions about growth and change. When an issue or problem that has been worked on before resurfaces again, there can be frustration and discouragement, feeling like it’s back to square one again—that they are just going in circles. People can feel defeated as they wonder why they keep having to deal with this thing, despite their work and progress.
Spirals, Not Circles: Insights From a Maryland Therapist
The good news is that even when it feels like you are coming back around to some of the same issues you’ve dealt with in the past, you’re not at square one. It’s not a circle where you come back to the exact same starting point. I like to think of it more like a lovely spiral staircase. Yes, you may come back to the section near the wall again and again over time, throughout different stages of life, but it’s like you’re on a different floor. Everything you’ve previously learned about navigating these turns is yours to keep.
Your Stuff Is Your Stuff
We all have our “stuff”—the issues, challenges and dynamics that keep coming up in our life over and over again. That’s not to say that we can’t make changes, or lessen the impact of our stuff on our mood, relationships & functioning—we can do those things and therapy can be a great benefit in helping someone figure out how to do all that. But some of our stuff is going to be with us for a while, in one form or another. That’s just life. While that can feel disappointing to realize, it can also help us ease up a bit and hold more loosely the fact that we have stuff. Sometimes it’s not just the stuff itself that makes us upset but the fact that we have it, don’t want it, and are still dealing with it, burns us up. The fact that your stuff is still with you in some fashion is in no way an indication of fault. It’s not that you haven’t worked, haven’t tried, haven’t grown. It is simply the wall that your staircase curves back to periodically, over time.
Perpetual ProBlems for couples
Coming back to the same issues again and again over time is true not just for individuals, but for couples as well. I remember being floored when I learned that almost 70% of relationship problems are considered “perpetual problems”: ones that are based in the fundamental differences between two people. But it makes sense—none of us drop our stuff at the door when we enter into a relationship; it comes right in with us. All couples have perpetual problems. And that’s ok. It doesn’t mean the relationship is unhealthy or doomed. The key is how a couple works on the perpetual problems—that can be either healthy or unhealthy. John & Julie Gottman are researchers and therapists that have worked on these ideas for decades, so check out their work on this topic for more guidance. Again, I think sometimes just accepting the reality and truth of this situation—all couples have perpetual problems—can help us ease up on ourselves and each other when it comes up.
“all Life is an experiment. The more experiments you make, the better.”—Ralph Waldo Emerson
I hope this might allow you to give yourself a little more patience and understanding when you see your own stuff coming around on you again. Know that you are not alone in this. Keep going and keep trying. Each thing you try and learn is part of the process of climbing that spiral staircase. Sit and rest on the stairs for a moment if you are worn out. Ask for support to have someone walk with you and navigate the turns, if you need that. Look down and appreciate how far you have already come.
A free consultation With A Compassionate Maryland Therapist
If you are feeling stuck or looking for support for your own growth and progress, please reach out. I see folks for therapy and in College Park, MD and provide online therapy in Maryland. You can explore more information about my services as a Maryland therapist throughout the website. Feel free to contact me for a free 15-minute phone consultation.
