No, Really, How Are You?: A Guided Check In From A Maryland Therapist
Pause, reflect and check in with yourself, guided by a skilled Maryland therapist.
If you happen to be out and about, interacting with people in the world (either in-person or online), you likely hear some version of “How are you?” at least a handful of times per day. Most of the time, we understand this question to be a social convention and the person asking doesn’t really want to know how you are doing. But sometimes we get the question from family and friends who honestly do want to know, and many of us still give generic answers: “Fine”; “Tired”; “Busy”. When is the last time you truly considered the question of how you are doing and answered it honestly for yourself?
What’s The point?
Those generic (“fine”) answers get us through our interactions but why is it so important to actually consider the real answer to this question? Because we can’t make strategic adjustments if we don’t have accurate (or any) information about current conditions. This leads us to just plow on through our hours and days with what we think we should be doing and perhaps wonder later why we snapped at our spouse or kid for something so minor, or why our head is pounding, or why the day went by without getting that one important thing done. It’s like setting directions with a GPS device but never allowing it to make adjustments or changes as conditions change. We might eventually get to our destination but maybe with a lot more hassle than was necessary.
Where are we and where are we going?
If we think about the GPS directions and adjustments that might be helpful when we are trying to get somewhere, we can see that the GPS is always checking on a number of things—changes in traffic flow, weather impacts, road closures, unexpected hazards and more. All of that information gets put together to help direct you to the easiest and fastest way to get you where you want to go. When we check in with ourselves, we are also going to be looking at a variety of conditions to help us find the best way to keep us moving forward. Most of us don’t feel like we have a whole lot of free time to spend on just checking in with ourselves so we want to be efficient with our time and energy here, getting as much as we can out of a small amount of time. As a therapist in Maryland, I often suggest to my clients to try a 5-minute check in with themselves. Most of us waste at least that amount of time just scrolling on our phones multiple times throughout the day. Five minutes goes by in a flash when on TikTok, but can feel like a fairly generous amount of time when we are focused on turning inwards.
A FIve-Pointed star to guide you forward
To make it simple and easy to remember, I like to think about a five minute self check-in like a star—with five points of observation that, all together, can help wisely guide us forward along the path of our day. It’s nice to take a moment and settle yourself in somewhere where you won’t be interrupted for a few minutes—close your office door, hide out in the bathroom or even take some time before getting out of the car. Depending on where you are and your personal comfort level, you can either close your eyes or let your eyes have a soft focus on something that isn’t going to be moving.
Let yourself settle for a moment and invite your attention inwards for just five minutes. Slowly, taking about a minute for each point of our 5-pointed star, observe the following, without judgment (this means not trying to make anything different, not judging what you find as “good” or “bad”, simply acknowledging your experience with a gentle awareness):
The Breath. No need to go into any particular patterns of breathing or make it be any different than it is right in this moment. Simply observe the sensation of the breath, the path of breath through the body, any warmth or coolness in the inhale/exhale, the quality and tempo of the breath. Is it smooth or is there variability? Where is there expansion or constriction?
The Physical Body. Do a brief scan from head to toe (or toe to head!), again not trying to make anything be different than it is. Just notice. Where is there tension or relaxation? Where can you easily sense the body and are there places of real disconnection? Observe any sensations of warmth, coolness, heaviness, lightness, tingling, aching, restlessness, itching, or anything else. As you scan through the body, are there any images, colors, sounds or other associations come up in relation to any particular part of the body? No need to try and make logical sense of those associations—just notice them.
The Mind. Very gently, check in with the mind. See if you can observe it from a bit of a distance to get the overall picture, not the fine details. We’re trying to just see the big patterns of what’s going on there, not get involved with the story and details of every thought. What is the quality of the mind at this moment? Is it restless, sluggish, foggy, racing, ruminating? Again, we’re not checking on what any of your thoughts are about, just the overall nature of the mind at this time. Is it filled with planning, worry, daydreaming, criticism? There’s no “good” or “bad” here—we are simply noticing.
The Emotions. Again, place a gentle awareness on the overall experience of your emotions at this time. Much like with the mind, we’re not getting into the stories here. We’re taking a big picture view of what’s present. Be as general or as specific as works for you (“sad” may be general and “heartbroken” may be more specific). If there are big, intense emotions up front (anger tends to like to pop to the front), are there other emotions behind or off to the side (like fear or hurt)? There is no need to justify or change or fix anything here. Simply notice and acknowledge what is present.
The Whole Self. Take this last minute to be aware of your whole being. Your breath, body, mind and emotions, all together in this one time and place. Sense and feel. Observe gently and kindly.
Be Guided by your own star
After you have checked in with yourself in this way, see if there are wise adjustments you might like to make about the direction of your next moments or the rest of the day. How can you respond kindly to what you’ve found? You may now have an inkling of what you need to provide for yourself in order to take good care of yourself. Perhaps your body will let you know that it needs water or to stretch. Maybe your mind will tell you that it needs calming and focus. Or your emotions might let you know what needs to be acknowledged, soothed or supported. I often work with clients to build an inner toolbox that they can access once they know what it is that they need. But tools aren’t very useful if you don’t have any basic assessment of the situation or idea of which tools might be helpful, given the circumstances. The 5-minute self check-in helps us to assess the current conditions and begin to think about how to respond wisely.
Follow along—Guided practice with a maryland therapist
If you want to be guided through this practice, I’ve made a voice recording of it here. You are welcome to listen along to this any time that you’d like some support, encouragement and guidance in stopping and taking time for yourselft. It can help to listen along to have someone pace you at first. Once you get the hang of it, give it a try on your own as well. For another recording with a guided practice for a breathing exercise to help you feel more calm and grounded, check out an earlier blog post about using the Cylinder Breath technique (it’s the post with the rainbow Slinky image!). I hope these resources can be helpful to you.
A free consultation With A Compassionate Maryland Therapist
I hope this is useful to you and inspires you to try this out for yourself. If you want to explore more about how I work with clients to find more ease in their minds and bodies, feel free to contact me for a free 15 minute phone consultation. You can also find out more about how I help with anxiety treatment, mindfulness-based therapy, and other services throughout my website.
